hello milliways

[callmeleo]

Another day, another mysterious bar appearing out of nowhere. Leo is acquainted with Milliways and its lurking habits. He doesn't even bother calling Zanna; it'd take her too long to come over, and they get doors fairly regularly, so he just goes in and gets some absinthe with crushed cochineal. (Demonic tastes make for very odd mixed drinks.)

Comments

[callmeleo]

"Yeah, that's what comes of dentists not existing, huh. I'm pretty sure there's an actual teeth-straightening spell at the higher levels, but you have to kill a bunny and you seem squeamish. Anyway, totally doable." He flicks to the page of glamers and runs his fingers down the page until he gets to a simple "good teeth" illusion. "This is for yellowed teeth, but it does specify straightness as well, so it should work decently."

He slides the book over. It outlines a simple ritual, consisting mostly of a minute-long chant and the drawing of a small rune. (It notes that you can draw it in enchanted ink made from a solution of pureed maidenhair and heather to extend the spell's effect to a few months instead of a week, but the solution itself takes a week or so to steep into ink and must be blessed nightly through the process, so this is probably not practical.)

[liakoura]

"What's a dentist?" asks Aleko, peering at the chant.

[callmeleo]

"They do bizarre things to your mouth to make your teeth all straight and shiny." Leo smiles wide, revealing pearly and slightly pointed teeth. "Very convenient, at least once they've stopped doing bizarre things to your mouth. I actually didn't get a dentist, Mom just magicked my teeth straight using the aforementioned bunny-slaying ritual. But Zanna had braces for years- that's where they put this awful metal nightmare device in your mouth to drag your teeth into place over time."

[liakoura]

"Eugh. Your world is horrible," says Aleko. "And reciting this and drawing the little symbol will not kill me or turn me into a murder thing or make me allergic to fruit or dissolve my teeth if I mess up or any other horrible anything?"

[callmeleo]

"Nothing in this book's big enough to do anything more than give you a nosebleed, and that's if you fuck up astonishingly badly. No guarantees about bigger stuff, but if you stick to what's in books and you're really careful about how it says to do it, you're not going to get any major side effects unless you use more power than you have. And the spell's not actually doing anything to your teeth, just sort of putting a mask over them. If someone were to kiss you, they'd feel the same way. Speaking of which, would you like to make out a bit after this for narcissistic reasons?"

[liakoura]

Aleko considers this, but then shakes his head. "My sister's gonna read my mind about the whole thing later, it'd be a little too weird and narcissism isn't motivating enough. Okay, I'll try the spell. Can I keep this book?"

[callmeleo]

"Oh, yeah, Zanna and I plundered Milliways long since. This one's a freebie, but you being ruling nobility and all I imagine you can buy the rest on your own if witchcraft works for you. I'll give you a reading list. One without any human sacrifice, even."

[liakoura]

"I didn't bring any money with me into the backyard chapel. And I'm not nobility in my own right, I'm not even sweela."

[callmeleo]

"You don't have, like, credit? Fine, I'll buy you an abbreviated collection if you come up witchy, but only because you're cute and you look exactly like me."

[liakoura]

"Redundant," smirks Aleko. "Kiri has credit coming out her ears, I can't draw on it without her unless we've got something set up at whatever store like where I get her clothes. Bar, let me spend Kiri's money? Mini Pocket Kiri approves lots of me bringing magic books home, promise."

Sorry.

"Rats. Ah well. Here goes."

Aleko has a pen and paper on him; he starts chanting the chant.

[callmeleo]

Leo watches with interest. He likes the idea of spreading witchcraft to alternate dimensions in need. Some kind of charitable fund; just fifty dollars can get the complete set of Sulliman's Arcane for a dimension that's never heard of dentistry!

[liakoura]

Aleko does the entire spell. He does not fuck it up. Nothing happens.

[callmeleo]

Leo helpfully provides a sad trombone noise. "Sorry about that. Looks like you don't have any magic. Want a permanent version of the teeth thing as a consolation prize? No rabbit-murder necessary."

[liakoura]

"I mean, I would like the teeth thing, it would be nice. Are there non-rabbit forms of murder involved?"

[callmeleo]

"I mean, if I killed a rabbit it'd be easier, but I can do it with a fresh egg and four cc of fieldmouse blood. Both of which I have in my bag, or which Bar can provide, as she is a very considerate bar and a good friend in times of need."

[liakoura]

You're too kind.

"Okay, go for it."

[callmeleo]

Leo procures egg and blood, paints tiny intricate designs on the former using the latter and a tiny fine-bristled brush (which he cleans off fastidiously with some water and a napkin). He waits for the blood to dry, then holds it aloft and intones a lengthy Latin chant. After five minutes of uninterrupted chanting, he barks out a mind-bending syllable, the egg implodes into a point of shadow, and the point swoops into Aleko's mouth with a tingling static shock and a few moments of numbness. If and when he opens his mouth, he will find his teeth looking worthy of Reese Witherspoon's second cousin.

[liakoura]

"Caaaan I borrow a mirror?"

Bar loans him a mirror. Aleko peers at his teeth.

"...Everybody's going to ask how I did this. I will tell everybody I got Serlast to do it and if he asks I will probably have to tell him the truth."

[callmeleo]

"Feel free to tell everybody about the shadow demon in a spontaneous bar who did it by murdering an egg," smirks Leo, apparently unconscious of a trickle of black blood dripping from his right nostril.

[liakoura]

"You are oozing blackness from your nose."

[callmeleo]

Leo wipes his nose and peers at his bloodied hand. "Oh, for- seriously? I swear, if my channel's started narrowing after one slow week, I'm going to start eating souls. Maybe Zanna can give me her dinners, it's not like they're doing anything with their anima." He solicits a tissue and wads it up in the offending nostril, then cleans off the pre-existing blood with the mouse-bloodied napkin and water.

"It's not unusual blackness, my blood's just this color. It's actually a very, very dark red. If I was actually oozing blackness it'd be coming out my eyes and ears and mouth too, that's for a much worse level of strain."

[liakoura]

"Eating souls?" asks Aleko.

[callmeleo]

"Meh, I wouldn't actually do it, probably, it has a tendency to drive you crazy. But it sure does bring up your power levels. Knew a girl who went from struggling to lift a pencil to bringing about the apocalypse in three months that way. She ended up getting decapitated by some hero or other. Nasty business. No great loss, though, she was awfully tacky."

[liakoura]

"How do you eat a soul? ...Don't demonstrate."

[callmeleo]

"Typically I believe you set up an elaborate magical circle, preferably on top of a pyramid but any high point will do, and cut the heart out of their chest with an enchanted dagger. Then you consume the heart. The corpse and/or blood can then be devoured by any minions and/or platonic soulmates who would like them."